Episode #9 First Aid

A few weeks ago, my husband and I met at my dad's house to have lunch with the Gan. Brad and my dad found something entertaining on TV in the living room and I was trying to make conversation with Gan at the kitchen table. The living and dining area at my dad's are conjoined, so we were all within earshot of one another.




I asked Ganny how her arm was healing - she had recently bumped her forearm into a doorknob and instead of developing a minor bruise, she sustained a ghastly wound that tore her skin. (Apparently when you approach the centennial mark, your skin begins to take on the fragile qualities of tissue paper.) She told me that behind the large square bandage it was getting better. I asked her if she had put Neosporin on it. "Yes," she said, "and Campho-Phenique. I rubbed that all over it," and she gestured with her bony little hand. "Campho-Phenique?" I repeated, shocked to hear the term. I vaguely remember her "doctoring" my injuries with this substance as a kid, but had long forgotten about it. I thought the others would get a kick out of hearing about the archaic cure-all too.




Amused, I yelled over the sound of the TV to Brad and my dad, "Guess what Ganny put on her arm?" fully intending for her to talk about the Campho-Phenique and everyone to have a good laugh about this medical equivalent to a rotary phone. "Neosperm" she responded on cue, matter-of-factly. There was a slight pause - on my part because she didn't say Campho-Phenique, on the part of my husband and my dad because they had no idea what we were talking about. Brad and I made eye contact and I could see the understanding pass over his face. He had at least heard about the arm injury before now and made the connection to the intended meaning. He giggled with me. I quickly added context to help my dad. "She put 'Neosperm' and Campho-Phenique on her arm where she hurt it," and I pointed at her bandage. At this point everyone began to snicker a bit but Ganny didn't seem to realize her error. We quickly moved on to joke about the Campho-Phenique because no one could bear to address the awkward, unintentionally - inappropriate reference.

Episode # 8 Victoria's Secret

I know, I know. I asked for it. But I can honestly say it was not the embarrassment I expected.

It’s not unusual for Ganny and I to go to the mall from time to time. I either need to pick something up, or return something, and it’s about midway between her apartment and my house, so we can meet there. (Yes, she still drives. Beware Dallas/Ft. Worth metroplex.)

On this day, we made an unplanned stop at Victoria’s Secret. I couldn’t help it. They had that giant “Semi-Annual Sale” sign out front, and who can afford to buy anything there at regular price?

“Gan, do you mind if we run in here real quick? I just want to see if I need anything that’s on sale.”

“Sure,” she replied. She can be surprisingly agreeable when it’s just me and her.

Knowing the possible mortification that awaited, I hurried to the sale area at the back of the store to see if there was anything I had to have. Fortunately, Ganny stayed close to me. You don’t want her to venture out too far on her own where you can’t act as buffer for the general public. As we moved through the store, I spotted some very unique bras in bright colors with sequins and bows.

“Does that seem silly to you Gan – all that decoration on bras that no one’s going to see?” I said this knowing that Ganny is an ultra-conservative Christian who believes you only have sex with one man after you marry him. I assumed she would make that familiar, crinkly face and tell me she thought such things were ridiculous and vain. She did not. She instead proceeded to lift one side of her shirt up nearly to her chin and proclaim “No, I have a blue one on today.”

It was pretty quick and after a split-second survey of the other shoppers in our vicinity I concluded that the revelation went undetected. I unintentionally laughed a little and just kept walking. (What else is there to do really?) She laughed too and I guess she realized what she’d done. It was yet another one of those moments where I couldn’t tell if she had done something scandalous on purpose – as old people sometimes do – or if she genuinely acted before she thought it through – as old people also do.

What I try to explain to myself all the time is that it doesn’t matter. Whatever the reason, she’s my Ganny that helped raise me and has always loved me and loves me now. I will continue to embark upon adventures with her as often as I can.

Episode #7 The Cable Guy

Apparently Ganny calls the Dish Network people when she accidentally pushes the wrong button on her multi-function remote and can’t get back to the screen she recognizes. She is under the impression that something is wrong with the cable when this happens and is oblivious to the reality that her predicament is a result of user error. I realized this today when I visited her apartment and the cable guy arrived. She complains periodically about her TV doing this and that, but she always seems to find her way back to Bonanza somehow. I was not aware that she was having the cable company send someone out to give her lessons on how to use the remote control.
The man in question was nice enough, so pleasant in fact, that I suspect he must visit her retirement apartment center often for similar calls – God bless him.“Well it just went off and it said all this stuff all over ever-where and it kept telling me to push ‘select’ and I did but it wouldn’t do anything,” she blurted out.How can I help this guy, I thought. Surprisingly, he seemed to be able to make sense of her convoluted complaint and made the screen saver appear: a black screen with a red logo in the top corner, and messages scrolling across promoting additional services you can request. It also includes a large message on the bottom that says “Push ‘select’ to return.” Well good, I thought, at least she got that far.“Is this the screen you saw?” he asked politely.“Yeah, but I pushed ‘select’ and it didn’t do nothin’,” she reiterated.“You might need to push this button,” he said, and he pointed to the ‘satellite’ button at the top of the remote, “to make sure you’re in the right mode.”Hmm. Mode, I thought. That’ll throw her.After modeling this procedure, the black screen disappeared and the TV show returned.“I did that and it didn’t do nothin’,” she repeated. “Why did it just go off like that?”He explained to her that the screen saver comes on when the TV has been on the same channel for several hours.“Well what if I want it on the same channel all day?” she asked defiantly, as if this trivial default action somehow violates her civil rights.“It’s okay Gan, you just have to tell the TV that. It doesn’t know that you haven’t forgotten,” I assured her in attempt to calm the frustration that was building. As mentioned in previous posts, losing her temper is not unusual when dealing with these types of situations and I really didn’t want see another innocent man trying to do his job fall victim to her irrational behavior today.“Well…” and she mumbled something incoherent. “So what do I do again?”The saint that is the cable guy walked her through the two-button process again. “Push this button here – ‘satellite’, then push ‘select’.”This time however she accepted it as if it had not been explained before. “Oh, okay. I’ll just do that,” she said and nodded. I was both annoyed and relieved: obviously relieved that this interaction was coming to a close, but annoyed that he said THE EXACT SAME THING 90 SECONDS AGO and it wasn’t sufficient for her then.