Episode #15 Well, it finally happened

I call Ganny every day on my way home and Tuesday was no exception. She told me right off that she "had a wreck." It was what I've been afraid of. Her driving has been an issue for at least the past year. She's not so bad that we need to forcefully taker her car, but it's bad enough that we're concerned. Of course I asked if she was okay and what happened.
"Well, I went 20 (she means I-20) and I knew I shouldn't have. I should've gone (she throws some numbers out that do not relate to any highways in the metroplex) and ever body had to stop real quick. I hit the brakes but they just didn't stop me in time. It could've happened to anybody. This has nothin' to do with me not bein' able to drive."
While she had been talking the stun of it faded, and I realized I should be concerned about her as my grandma, not just some elderly person that poses a danger to the Arlington/Mansfield area.
"No, I know Ganny. It's okay. I've had an accident like that too. These things happen."
"Well, I just know ever body's gonna blame this on me bein' old and say I shouldn't drive. It has nothin' to do with that. It could've happened to anybody," she repeated. "Your daddy's never gonna let me hear the end of this. He's gonna say, 'Oh, you can't drive, Oh you need to stop driving' and it's not because of me."
"I know, I know. He will Gan. He's just like that. Just let him have his little fit and don't try to argue with him," I instructed her. My dad does enjoying having a good fit when the opportunity presents itself.
"He's just never gonna let me hear the end of this," she said again.
"Well Gan, at least this will give him something to hassle you about besides your marriages," I joked, hoping she would laugh. Gan has been married six times. My dad likes to bring this up as often as possible.
She did laugh a little. "No, he'll probably say something like it's because I was married all those times that I had the accident or something." It was my turn to laugh.
"Well I understand Ganny, I do. It's okay." That type of accident does happen often. At least, that's what I told myself. "Was there only one other car involved?"
"Oh yeah, I just ran into the back of this man, well, he was a police officer but he wasn't wearing police clothes, and he was so nice to me. He just took care of all of the paper work. He was just so nice."
Red flag #1: This I thought could be good or bad. It's probably best that someone competent and of sound mind write down the necessary policy numbers etc. However, was this man really a policeman? What information did she give him? One assumes it was her insurance card, but when deciphering Ganny, you just can't be sure. All I could do was hope for the best.
"Well Ganny that's wonderful. I'm so glad they were nice to you," I told her.
"Yes, some other policemen came too. I think they just wanted to take a break 'cause they were all just standin' around talkin'," she laughed.
Red flag #2: I thought, Oh my goodness...How many policemen were there? How bad was this?  "And they were real concerned about me," she continued. "They made me sit in the back of the car 'cause they were afraid I might get hit. I was afraid we might cause another accident 'cause we were in the middle lane."
Heart-attack-inducing red flag #3: The thought of my elderly grandmother roaming around the middle lane of I-20 on a busy afternoon made me cringe. I don't know what I would do if something happened to her. How can I continue to let her go around living life without someone to watch her? How could I ever convince her to consent to being watched and having her independence limited? If something happens to her, am I going to wish I had done something differently?
"Oh no! Oh Gan, I'm glad they took care of you. That scares me that you were out there," I admitted.
"Well I was scared too," she said lightheartedly. "And they kept asking if I was okay, and I kept tellin' 'em I was fine and nothin' on me hurt, but 2 or 3 ambulances showed up anyway."
Red flag #4.
She continued, "I told 'em 'I'm fine, I'm fine.' I just didn't hit him that hard."
It crossed my mind at this point that I really wouldn't have any idea how bad this was or how hard she hit the other car until I saw hers.
"How is your car? Can you still drive it?"
"Oh yeah, I drove it home. I'm just gonna go to this place I found in the yellow book (phone book) tomorrow and have them tell me how much it is."
Red flag #5. Where is this place? Is it legit? etc. What could/should I do?
And I thought that would be all. We hung up and I took a deep breath.
The next day after work, I made my call again. "Hi Gan, how are you?"
"Well, the insurance company called today," she sounded very annoyed. "They were askin' me all kinds of questions like my name and address."
"Now Gan was this your insurance company or theirs?" I questioned.
"Mine, mine," she answered quickly.
Why was her own insurance company asking this kind of information? Don't they know already? Is this some kind of scam? Did she make some kind of statement to an attorney or important insurance person and not realize it?
She interrupted my panic. "That pregnant lady thinks the baby might be hurt or somethin'."
Red flag #...oh who cares. It's a giant red flag!
"Now Gan, I thought there was only one other car?" I tried to keep my voice controlled.
"Well there was but she was in the car with the policeman," she explained.
"Okay Gan. Well I'm sure she just wants to get a check-up. If you didn't hit them that hard, she should be fine," I told her, trying to convince myself in the process.
So now I'm left wondering whether or not I should try to keep my grandmother from driving and whether or not she will be sued in the near future.
The End. (If only it were.)

Useful Ganny Terminology

TV shows = programs (pronounced "progrums")
perm = permanent (which she gives herself once per year and has for decades now)
hair stylist = beauty operator
gas = fuel
butt = hiney butt
anyone in the school district that's not a teacher = superintendent
make-up = meckup
root beer = rut beer
any type of doctor's visit = check-up or surgery

Episode #14 Put in My Place

About 2 months ago I approached my car in the parking lot after work, and noticed a large white mark (about 4 inches long) on my rock slider (a bar along the bottom sides of my car to, well, make it slide over rocks instead of get stuck on them). This made me think of elderly people who drive around town bumping into things, which made me think of Gan.
She has gotten progressively worse over the past year. Every time we see her in her 1997 white Lincoln Town Car, the car of choice for the elderly along with Buicks, there is a new bump or dent. When you ask her about it, she claims someone either bumped into her at WalMart or it just "appeared" while she was shopping in WalMart. Once the front grill was ever-so-slightly pushed underneath the hood. She had no explanation for this. One can only imagine the true story. 
One day while visiting Ganny at her retirement apartments, we were riding in the elevator with one of her neighbors. After casual introductions he asked Ganny, "Did that guy ever find you and talk to you?" to which Gan replied, "What guy?"
"That guy who said you hit his car. You drive that white Lincoln don't you?" I looked at the floor. "I didn't hit anybody. I don't know what that guy was talking about." We exited the elevator and headed for her room. "Everybody thinks I hit that car, but I didn't."
It was too much. I had been concerned about her driving anyway, but at this, I broke down and began to sob. How do you tell someone they shouldn't drive anymore? How do you tell your grandmother she's hitting things and doesn't even know it and I have to stop her before someone sues her or assaults her?
She hugged me and said, "Oh darlin' what is it?" We sat down in her Lazyboys and I tried to explain it with as much tact as possible. "You know I care about you and only do what's best for you, always." She trusts me completely and for good reason. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I take good care of her i.e. this blog :). 
"I'm so worried about you Gan. You're hitting things and don't even realize it. I don't know what I would do if something happened to you. I just don't know if you should be driving anymore. I'm worried someone's gonna be mean to you if you...make a mistake. You told me a long time ago that I would have to do this Gan. You told me I would have to watch out for you when you got older" I rambled. I tried to emphasize my concern for her welfare and not her diminished abilities. 
She seemed surprised at first, insisting on evidence of these accusations, but eventually she developed some acceptance and said she would try to take one of us with her when she went on doctor's visits, to the bank, or anything else more than a mile away. I didn't want her to drive at all since her forte seemed to be low-speed accidents in parking lots, but I would take what I could get. 
Well, over the next few weeks, she pretty much went back to driving anywhere and everywhere she wanted. I was weak, because it is so much easier to meet her for lunch rather than make the 45-minute drive to her apartment to pick her up, so I didn't fight it too much. She tells me she's doing better, being more careful, etc. and as best I can tell, she is - no new dents lately. 
Recently I let my friend drive my car and he mentioned the white mark. "Hit the garage on your way out?" he asked. "No," I laughed. "Someone hit me in the parking lot at work." As the statement came out I recognized the familiar response - that of Gan. "Oh, are you your grandmother now?" he teased. "I think I would know if I hit something, wouldn't I?" we laughed and moved on.
When I got home, I noticed a large black smudge on the side of the garage...

Not really enough for an entire post, but bizarre enough that it has to be shared

I was informed on Father's Day, one of the few scarce days that I force myself to endure Gan combined with the whole clan (Dad and his wife, me and Brad, Eva, and sometimes other victims) at once, that men should not wear necklaces, bracelets or rings. Apparently this is something only women should do and makes men look like they are trying to be women...

I can't even pretend to follow her reasoning on this one. Men wore jewelry even in the "wagon" days didn't they?Anyway, add this to the list of unexplained Gannyisms.

Episode #13 Operating a Mouse

Once, at my dad's house, I was doing something upstairs waiting for Ganny to arrive so we could go to lunch. I had some music playing on the downstairs computer. I heard her open the front door and call - "Knock knock, Ganny's here," like she usually did then. I took the few steps to the top of the stairs to tell her hello. She of course was immediately unhappy with the music that was not Gospel, so I explained to her how to turn it off. "Just go to the computer Gan, and move the mouse to the little X in the top right hand corner and that will close the program. I'll be right down."

As I stepped into the other room to wrap up whatever I had been working on, I noticed the music didn't stop. I returned to the top of the stairs to find Ganny, with mouse in hand, pointing it at the screen like a remote control and squinting.

Episode #12 The Holidays

Note: I have fallen behind on my blogging due to extreme overwork as a teacher at a public high school. The post below refers to Thanksgiving of 2011.

Ganny put on her reading glasses to help me with a random craft project at the table. She hates crafts. Brad and I do these bizzare Christmas cards each year with rediculous pictures of us and I had an idea to use that old-fashioned garland with strings of popcorn in the picture. I asked Gan to help me string some of the popcorn. Honestly, I was surprised she said yes. She detests anything involving sitting patiently such as needle-point, knitting, playing cards, etc. which is unfortunate considering this is what old people usually do to occupy their time. Ironically, Gan would rather sit around watching reruns of Gunsmoke and Bonanza and complain about how bored she is. This is delightful for the rest of us.

Back to the point though - she put on her reading glasses and her flaw detector and looked at me. "What's that comin' up on your face?"  she asked. I knew immediately what she was referring to. It was a mole near my mouth that I've always been self conscious about. It's been there as long as I can remember. I checked the anger that immediately swelled. "I don't know Gan." She continued to offend. "It's right there," she pointed. "Gan, it's a mole. It has always been there," I stated quickly, hoping we could move on before I either lost my temper or started sniveling. "Oh." And we did move on.Well, she did. I obviously am still holding on to it.

A bit later, we were ready to head over to my in-laws to have Thanksgiving dinner. It's not ideal to involve Ganny in these settings, but my conscience won't let me leave her alone for the majority of Thanksgiving Day. When we announced we were about to leave, Ganny quickly asked, "Aren't you going to comb your hair?" My hair was combed. What do you do with that? Brad jumped in - "It is combed Ganny, she's just got it flipped over the other side of her face right now." I just kind of nodded and made note of the moment to share here. It sounds so simple now, after the fact. Just smile and explain it to her. Be patient. But that's where this blog comes in. In the moment, you want to scream. What is it about old people that gives them this uncanny ability to make you feel crazy? At the time, when they make that offensive comment or that oh-so-sour expression, it takes every ounce of strength you have to simply grind your teeth and get through it.

There were no major embarrassments at the in-laws until after dinner. As we were all wrapping up, Gan said something about how disappointed she was that she couldn't eat more because the food was so good. She is notorious for eating next to nothing. I tried to be positive. "You did fine Ganny." Her reply: "I didn't eat anything compared to what you ate."

Again, what do you do with that? I laughed because it was so blatantly rude, but what made it better is that my brother-in-law and his wife laughed out loud too. They know all about Gan and my... difficulties with her. It was as if my complaints about her had been validated in that moment, when someone else saw what I was talking about.

As best I can recall, that was the last of the worst of it. Of course there is always the constant repetition and defense of one's choices, but those were the stand-out moments of the day.